Superstars Contestants

Name: Rob 'The Weasel' White
Age: 27
Greatest sporting achievement: Finishing second last in the under 8's 100 meters at primary school.
Profile: Training was going well until the last month of June when a historical hamstring injury threatened to deflate his balloon. Several beta blockers and a few designer drugs later he is now fighting fit and ready for the event. 'The Weasel' is keeping his joker close to his chest, although being the illegitimate son of Jockey Wilson we all have an idea when he will play it.
Joker round: 800m
Chances: Fat (like his women).
Official odds: 3/1 fav

Name: Ronan 'Pretty Boy' O'Mahony
Age: 26
Greatest sporting achievement: Winning mixed 5-a-side footie at uni two years out of three, and getting to the final in the other year.
Profile: This guy is good. A strong all rounder. Lacks endurance but high on speed, skill, and visual and spatial awareness. You will not find a sharper mind on a football field.
Joker round: 100m
Chances: Justifiably second favourite; a bad day could see him languishing in third, but on a good day this guy is virtually unstoppable. See his biggest threat as Rob White - a real gritty competitor. No tackle is too big for him - will down any man.
Official odds: 9/2

Name: John 'The Cat' Catterfeld
Age: 26
Greatest sporting achievement: Winning the 'Most Improved Swimmer' award in the last year of junior school.
Profile: The last three months have not been kind to the waistline of this keen competitor. Sidelined with a broken ankle, John's consumption of John Smiths has gone straight to the belly region without the chance to work it off. As 'The Cat' begins his return to fitness, he hopes his natural born skill and competitive spirit can see him through against fitter opponents.
Joker round: Darts
Chances: Looking for a top three finish, but will need a well played joker.
Official odds: 6/1

Name: Ross 'The Boy' Lane
Age: 25
Greatest sporting achievement: Completing the London Marathon in 1999 in a time of 3hrs 40 mins and winning the St. Georges School Cross Country despite constant taunting from senior members of the school.
Profile: Better known for his stamina than skill, 'The Boy' will be looking to do well in the 800m. Lack of football experience due to his exile to Denmark is a concern, as are recent golfing performances. Mental toughness should make a difference; not motivated by recent 'friendlies', The Boy always raises his game when a trophy's involved.
Joker round: 800m
Chances: Aiming not to come last, but hoping that John will be the biggest joker.
Official odds: 6/1

Name: Tim 'The Giant' Clifford
Age: 24
Greatest sporting achievement: 1990 District Speed Skipping champion.
Profile: Much will be learnt about 'The Giant' in this inaugural Superstars. Traditionally a powerhouse in the height-based events, how will this competitor fair when speed and agility are the order of the day? Age will surely be a beneficial factor for this year's youngest competitor, and despite Clifford The Younger playing down his own chances, the odds reflect that this man is definitely top three material.
Joker round: Unknown
Chances: Good outside bet, a dark horse. On the right day anything could happen.
Official odds: 11/2

Name: Paul 'The Frump' Murphy
Age: Unknown, although he does remember "Robin's Nest" "George & Mildred" and the launch of Channel 4.
Greatest sporting achievement: His empty trophy cabinet tells it's own story.
Profile: Any aerodynamic advantage gained by the streamlined cranium is instantly counteracted by the onset of middle age. History has proven that pear-shaped competitors are rarely contenders. This will be no exception. If the arthritis or cataracts don't guarantee his failure to score a single point on the day then the weeping hemorrhoids will certainly terminate any chance of appearing on the rostrum. Any handicap requested should be granted without consideration.
Joker round: Pool
Chances: Purely here to ensure that Nick does not come dead last.
Official odds: 7/1

Name: Nick 'Juggernaut' Clifford
Age: 26
Greatest sporting achievement: Beating John at golf on his birthday by refusing him a one foot "gimmie" on the 17th. John missed the putt.
Has also climbed three mountains in a day which hurt like hell.
Profile: Built for power and not speed this competitor understand the term 'underachiever' all too well. Despite his tendency to "choke" under pressure, he has the potential to cause an upset in any event that does not involve running. A true "jack of all trades but a master of none" this contender is acutely competitive and if he can overcome his attention deficit disorder he could well prove to be thorn in the favourites' sides.
Joker round: Basketball
Chances: Rank outsider but is capable of a place.
Official odds: 9/1